My Love Affair with Pavement

My 'nickname' around our house is 'hard-heart'. Isn't that endearing? I don't necessarily deny it nor do I advocate it. I think the definition is more meant to be 'steeled or cold'. The majority of my life has been spent very emotionally/passionately. I do like being emotional when it is easy. Take social situations, for example, I love to be high spirited, engaging, funny and chatty - very 'plugged-in' to what's going on. But it is much easier, I find, to shut down and not feel when things aren't so good. This is where my explaining/defending comes in as I think that there are some good things about 'shutting off'. For example: I don't usually feel hurt by people's comments or actions, I don't usually feel sad at general situations, I rarely feel disappointment or offence and surface wise...I think that I come across as a happier person, someone who is fun and easy to be around.

Here is an example of a specific situation and how it affected me before I learned how to numb myself. Last year when we didn't get to take our trip with Dave and Tanys and found out that we didn't get our money back (One day we'll get you and you're taking up of 2 airline seats John Venot, (he is a particularly large man) one day...mwahahaha - evil laugh, eh?...as in fru-its of the de-vil...mwahahaha) I literally fell apart. Some portions of my hair turned white, I quit talking and I cried at anything. I was grouchy and not easy to live with. If that was to happen now, I have to say that although I would be angry at the injustice, I would let it slide off of me. I just wouldn't think about it.

The nice thing about being 'cold or hard' is, the more situations you do that for, the easier it becomes - I don't even have to think about it anymore, I automatically steel myself...BUT I find that I am starting to stay 'numb' after certain situations have passed....I have never really gone back to being the way I was 1 year ago....I definitely like me better now....I don't 'feel' all those things that people wish they didn't feel. But, if I play devil's advocate with myself, I would ask: Is it healthy? I say I am not sure...Or am I, and I want to pretend like it is ok? I asked a friend, who's dad isn't around, how Father's Day was for them. They said, 'fine'...I am cold to it....hardened, really. Gee, where have I heard that before? That is exactly what I would have said if I was in the same situation. Here's the thing...It bothered me that that was said. I guess I feel like it is alright for me to do this to myself and be this way, but I don't want other people to be this way because if one has had to do this, then that typically means that they have gone through some kind of trauma (whether through the course of life, or self induced). On the other hand, who wants to feel sad and broken? If one has mastered the fine art of numbing their emotions, then why go back to "feeling" if feeling only brings with it pain? The great thing about being good at this is that you don't numb the 'feel-good' emotions, just the heart-breaking ones. It is a form of self-discipline, really. I have to say that I feel better about myself, proud if you will, the more efficient I get at this.

I allow myself to truly 'feel' when I am running...it's easier to let everything...the sadness, disappointment, brokenness, and the occasional self-loathing to run through my body and into the pavement. The pavement takes it...no back talk, no opinions, no advice...