Change

Hello everyone! Well, as of last night, I left summer in the dust. Summer 2005 is one that I will remember for a lifetime...yet would just as much like to have it erased from the strands of time. I was going to wait for September 1st...but it seemed like the appropriate time to do it, soooo....I am a red head again. (Alison, I will be waiting patiently by my mailbox for my 'red-head' manual hee hee) I have been going through a tonne of change and it seemed like a really great act of symbolism....Now, I know that some of you are thinking, "holy crap...what the heck is she talking about....Jenn has never needed a REASON to change her hair color and for all intents and purposes may be addicted to it". To you I say, "it's true, it's true"!! BUT there has been a lot going on in the past couple of weeks. Tim loves it...it's funny cause I think that it is more than just the different hair color he loves...it symbolizes some really amazing changes going on in our lives.

Hmmm, where to begin. How about with the word change. How does one change? Do you just wake up one morning and say, "today, I will be different." That can be done...I have done it many times. This time, though, it involves a lot more than that. I have lived in a world of pretending. Maybe through some of these blogs, you may actually get to know me...I am kind of in that process myself. Don't worry...I am pretty sure that I am still a fun party planning dramatic extrovert who loves to do silly things and take pictures of weird people and things, and wants to possibly start a large fire one day (right Regan and Jon? hee hee hee) I just know that there is more to me than that. If you read my blog on being numb...it is so true. I don't really feel anything...that doesn't mean that I don't know in my head that I should, but that foot between my head and heart haven't been connected in years. I read a quote just yesterday that has stuck with me and probably always will. It said, "The first great enemy to lasting change is the propensity to turn our eyes away from the wound and pretend things are fine. The work of restoration cannot begin until a problem is fully faced. "

So, I have decided that the best path to being the woman that God made and intended for me to be is through the valley of the shadow of death-I know that sounds dramatic (never promised that I wouldn't be dramatic, did I??)...but it is true. Up until this point in my life...my soul has been icy, hidden, never truly allowing it to be exposed to God, any person around me, or even myself. But in the last couple of weeks I have turned down a path of healing...but it does come with a price. I have done things I am not proud of. I am sure we all have. I feel shame... C.S. Lewis said, "If you accept it (shame)-if you drink the cup to the bottom-you will find it very nourishing; but try to do anything else with it and it scalds ( you know how hot tea will burn your hand, but you can still drink it?...kind of like that)....it can bring perspective and relief. If used any other way (than bringing it to God while fully accepting it) it will destroy you. James 4:9-10 tells me that Legitimate shame always leads to a sense of being lifted up by God to possess what is surprising, unnerving, and undeserved. So, here I am. A disaster of a person with a glimmer of hope. You know how they say that the most beautiful butterflies are the ugliest caterpillars? I m hoping that that is what will happen in my life. I have been ugly, fake, hurtful...really rotting away from the inside out. But now that I am facing the dead rotting tissue and letting God cut it out and heal me, (gross, I know...but I would love to be a paramedic... I like injury and blood and all of that icky stuff) I hope that what emerges is a most exquisite butterfly that touches everyone around her with the joy of her Lord.

All of this may sound so weird and depressing to some of you...maybe even too personal...but for the very first time in my life, I want people to know me. I have hope. I have hope for true joy, hope for real healing, hope of forgiveness, and hope to be an amazing unstoppable woman of God (that Tim sees...but I don't quite yet.) Love you all so much. Promise that I'll intersperse these crazy serious blogs with some of my quirky definitions or more "Mysteries of the Universe-SOLVED" If you are so lost (meaning you have never read my blog before)...scroll down. Until next time...